PRECIOUS PIXELS
(COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT)
TW: Vulnerability exploitation, predator risks discussed (brief, practical)
00:00:00:00 - 00:00:14:18
What up? Reggie Grey here. Crazy iconoclastic life. At 40, back in school to become a psychologist. This is my show where I Wax Prosaic.
00:00:14:20 - 00:00:19:21
My wife had our baby. I'm a dad.
00:00:19:23 - 00:00:58:12
Yes! All of the ineffable, crazy, insane cliches. They're all true. All of them. But we're not going to get into those today. There's going to be many episodes about that. I wanted to address something very specific right away. I'm a social media whore... for lack of a better word. I have put my entire life, embarrassments and all, especially online, for all to see, for entertainment purposes and to get my rocks off.
00:00:58:12 - 00:01:29:22
More on that later. And even leading up to having baby, we've been blitzing like crazy. Me talking about it. Photos of my pregnant wife. We have a podcast, "You're so cool," check it out! Spotify and YouTube, please. So there's been this huge buildup, and now we've had our baby and radio silence. People be asking. So I want to address it here in my podcast with all of the nuance.
00:01:29:22 - 00:01:49:12
So here it is, this is the statement: My daughter will not be put online in any way, shape or form until at least puberty when she decides and builds her own online identity.
00:01:49:14 - 00:02:19:16
Crazy, from me. That coming from me? Yeah. And my wife's on board. She was surprised. I'm going to get deep into why and hey... hey... hey... hey... hey... hey... Number one, I ain't trying to convince anybody of anything. In fact, I'm excited for people who watch this, the vast majority who post their children. Because after watching this, there won't be pure ignorance, for lack of a better word.
00:02:19:17 - 00:02:40:21
I want to make sure I disarm. Please watch, because zero shame. None. This is what the norm has agreed to. This is the consensus. We post our kids online. No big deal. But the norm can sometimes blind us to some of the not-so-great things.
00:02:40:23 - 00:03:06:00
So I just want to shed a little bit of light in some nooks and crannies about posting kids' likenesses online. From a psychological aspect, and of course, just my own anecdotal life situations. So I just want to bring them up for y'all. And then if you still, at the end of this, choose to post your kid online.
00:03:06:02 - 00:03:35:07
Awesome. I totally, absolutely, unequivocally validate you and implore you to do so because you'll be exercising informed consent. And that is really what we all need to be doing at all times. You'll see. And it can apply to many things. So let's Wax Prosaic.
00:03:35:09 - 00:04:05:05
So yeah, this podcast, what am I doing going against hardcore social norms? What am I thinking? What am I doing? Well, I have a bit of an out because people are actually asking me. So let's go social norms. Let's go, bring it on. No. Hugs. Trust me, the irony is not lost on me. The fact that it is me.
00:04:05:05 - 00:04:34:21
A social media whore, as I said, is making this proclamation. Okay, a little bit of history on my online past, and maybe I'll get a couple extra views for some of the historical posts. First of all, thank God social media did not exist when I was in high school because even as an adult, I really leaned into posting the embarrassing stuff fully formed prefrontal cortex and all.
00:04:34:23 - 00:05:00:22
Informed consent. And I was an adult. I knew what I was doing, all in the pursuit of fame and maybe some calls for help. A bit of an attention seeker. This is me in 1988. Imagine the Wizard of Oz theme song when the Wicked Witch is riding her bike. I got some stupid childhood videos.
00:05:01:01 - 00:05:29:20
This is Super Cat. How I didn't get to direct any films for the Marvel Cinematic Universe is way beyond me. That just doesn't make sense. This is cinematic gold. Tubaruba and my burgeoning rap career at the time. Simulating a date with a dog. Score. Yes. College days with a mullet, fighting a professional boxer.
00:05:29:22 - 00:06:02:01
This is him knocking my block off. The Jackass era. You can see their fingerprints all over this. My excellent acting. I mean, come on, people. How would you play getting your hand deep-fried? Seriously, if you ever considered that? Those were my creative choices. This. That's a band of just me. Every position thought that would go viral.
00:06:02:03 - 00:06:24:16
How hasn't it though? Seriously? Making love to a Nintendo, being a male stripper, throwing my back out orally masturbating. Oh, yes. That time I made a short horror trailer spoof about women biting off men's penises with their vaginas.
00:06:24:18 - 00:06:43:13
As I say that out loud, it's not that bad of an idea. I want to put some more resources into that. Me trying to do reaction videos. That one might somehow be the most embarrassing of them all.
00:06:43:15 - 00:07:23:17
Wow, with that ad, my channel is probably blowing up right now. And that is just video. I've done Instagram for over a decade. Posted a few beauties like this. This and this. I overshared in the comments and the descriptions. And of course, selling my soul for products such as the Pee Sport, which I gotta admit, is a pretty handy product, a convenience thing.
00:07:23:17 - 00:07:37:22
You know, if you're living on the road or doing a podcast, go get a Pee Sport- I can't stop. Oh, my God, can't stop, won't stop. Whoosh! Get the Pee Sport.
00:07:38:00 - 00:07:42:22
And I don't regret a thing...
00:07:43:00 - 00:08:05:09
Actually, that's not true at all. There is a ton that I've posted that I regret big time. I just had the wherewithal to actually take some of it down because it was like, straight up, cancelable. And you know what? I don't regret them in a way, in that I can see personal growth.
00:08:05:09 - 00:08:35:22
I now look at those things and I'm like, that shouldn't be online. And I look at it as maturity and sensitivity toward other people. I don't mind posting photos of me doing embarrassing things, but there were absolutely things that were maybe hurtful towards others and they're not online anymore. And yeah, I definitely regret them. I'm human. All that being said, I was an adult.
00:08:36:00 - 00:09:03:16
I had an established identity... could argue that one. That's a different podcast. Informed consent. I had nobody to blame but me. The grass is on the field. Then go play. I can live with that. Okay, you got my background. Now, before we go on to including the little ones in this, a little bit of historical context, think back to the 1800s when photography first started.
00:09:03:18 - 00:09:33:04
The only pictures of people were portraits. Because the shutter was so long, you had to sit completely still. Or you looked like a ghost. So these things were like treasures! The bourgeoisie probably put them on display for all to see. If the impoverished happened to get one, it was like a treasure to have a photo of your children and think back then too, because the exposure time was so long you needed really bright lights so here was no oh quick baby, Albert just pooped in his diaper, took it out and smeared it all over the walls!
00:09:33:09 - 00:10:05:22
We've all seen stuff like this online nowadays. Anyways, what I'm saying is there was no immediacy. Photos were sacred and a lot of this was because of the tech. We were limited and thus protected almost from ourselves, and everything had to stay within our circle.
00:10:06:00 - 00:10:29:13
Family, friends, whoever came over and you decided to show these portraits to them. All right, let's fast forward to the 80s, when I was born. All of a sudden, photos weren't free. But any layperson could, I mean, you could get a SLR, but a layperson could get a point and shoot camera, and all of a sudden, there was the option of capturing little Albert just took it in his diaper and was spreading it all over the wall.
00:10:29:15 - 00:10:58:00
You could run and get the camera and take that photo, but there was still that tech gatekeeper. Our spread wasn't very big. We were still protected. We could take the photos, but we can only share so much. Quick little psychological digression here. Back then, every single photo had a price tag on it.
00:10:58:02 - 00:11:23:20
You would get a roll of 30 and you would take 30 photos. Every single one of them cost you money, and then you'd get the film developed and that would cost you money. It was precious. It was important. Can you think of the psychological latent gains from this? It's called delayed gratification, which is one of the biggest markers of wellness, maturity and life satisfaction.
00:11:23:21 - 00:11:52:15
We had to wait for the good stuff. And it was like Christmas when we went to get the prints. I can still remember... and some people still do. Which is super cool. Oh, but then there was also Polaroids, which I'm a huge fan of. Don't get it twisted, but that's an example of instant gratification. INSTAgram. Sound familiar? Instant gratification is the dopamine slot machine.
00:11:52:17 - 00:12:10:23
That the dopamine slot machine that we're all accustomed to now. Scrolling. Anyways, digression. Let's keep going. The tech still had those limitations. All of a sudden we could take the photos, but there were only so many people we could show. It was a reach thing. And get this back in the 80s,
00:12:10:23 - 00:12:34:12
People used to have slide show gatherings where you would go to Tahiti with your family vacation, and you'd come home and you would gather all of your friends and you'd sit there, use a little clicker to advance the slides. CLICK. Here's a little Albert sitting in front of a palm tree. Oh, there's the poopy slide.
00:12:34:16 - 00:13:00:00
And little Albert's like, "Dad!" But there was only so many people who could see this embarrassing moment. See where I'm going? But if you think about it, all this film stuff is really romantic. Especially these slide show gatherings to imagine, like the oxytocin that you get hanging out with your friends, seeing something super intimate, such as their family vacation.
00:13:00:02 - 00:13:31:07
Which sounds funny to put those two ideas together now, because on Facebook, I can open it up and see number 13,562 of a Tahiti trip. The romance is gone. I like romance. I hope we all do. Okay, now to bring the history and my anecdote together. I was born in 1984. My dad was a professional photographer, and he dabbled in video.
00:13:31:09 - 00:14:03:05
I'm an outlier for the 80s, but I very much identify with kids today because my entire life is documented. My dad was obsessed with cameras, and believe me, I am so grateful to have my entire life on video. And believe me again, I very much thought experiment this from time to time: Would my dad have shown people videos of me naked online?
00:14:03:07 - 00:14:29:22
My dad was a really bright man and forward-thinking. I could tell you some of his prognostications that came eerily true, but that's a different podcast. So I don't think he would have. But maybe I mean, I think there definitely were moments where I was like, "Dad!" and he'd take pictures as such. It's funny, too, with my entire life put down on video.
00:14:30:00 - 00:14:57:01
I'm grateful it's there, but I don't look at it just for this project, which was fun. Just like those concert videos people take where they stand in the crowd with their phone and... Honestly, do you ever watch them??? While I'm at a concert? I'll take my quick little snap and then I'm done. And hey, you do you, I'm a libertarian in the sheets.
00:14:57:02 - 00:15:03:05
You do whatever the heck you want. I am curious if you watch those though.
00:15:03:07 - 00:15:29:13
Everyone is probably pausing this to go watch their latest Colplay performance video. Are they cool? Are they still cool? I know the recent controversy, but are they cool? Quick pause for self psychoanalytic digression: My entire life was put on video. I need so much attention. I went into filmmaking. I can clearly perform for the camera.
00:15:29:13 - 00:15:38:04
Look at me go! Did that play a part in making me this?
00:15:38:06 - 00:16:08:02
Parents, make note of this. Please. I'm half joking, but the two are correlated for sure. And I spent time in therapy talking about it, believe me. And it seems like we're making a generation of this. A 2023 study said that 57% of Gen Zers want to be influencers, a job that didn't exist when I was a kid. Thank God.
00:16:08:04 - 00:16:40:18
And on that note, picking a very low hanging fruit: Child Stars. There are actual scientific studies on the way they've developed, but don't even need to go into them. We all know the things that we saw from kids who were stars growing up, from the early Hollywood days, right up until, I mean, recently, sadly. And on that note, anyone who's taken a psychology class knows that they teach you all of these horrific studies where people are abused in extreme situations.
00:16:40:23 - 00:17:12:09
Milgram experiment. The Stanford prison experiment. Baby Albert, whom I've used as a namesake in this. These are awful studies that are pure torture and abuse. However, they still teach them to this day because they got so much data out of them. Do you see the relation I'm making here? Child stars from the past are these horrific outliers that had incredibly crazy lives. We can learn from their trauma.
00:17:12:13 - 00:17:44:12
And yes, the kid influencers of today are likely making videos safely at home with their parents. But those child stars of the past might be bombastic experiments of what these kids might be going through psychologically on just a lower level. Just a little bit of food for thought on that one. Look up, baby Albert. That poor soul and smearing poop on the wall is not part of it.
00:17:44:14 - 00:18:10:12
But maybe he did do that. However, it wasn't documented. Okay, now we're in the present day. We have phones in our pockets that take videos and photos better than Hollywood equipment could 20 years ago. Wow. This is mind-blowing. We have infinite instant gratification machines. We can take photos any time. We can take as many photos as we want.
00:18:10:13 - 00:18:43:03
Unlimited, for free, just the cost of the device, which we all have anyway. And then we have a place to post them for potentially most of the world to see. Really think about that in a historical context. That's mind-blowing. Wow. But do you see what's gone? We had a limitation that was a gatekeeper, a protection of sorts.
00:18:43:05 - 00:19:24:07
The governor's gone. And now we're being left to our own devices... with our devices. And I personally feel that the lowest common denominator is kind of winning out on this. Instead of taking some serious psychological considerations of kids into account. So what does this mean? It means we, the parents, without our governor, need to step up in a big way to make sure these kids are brought up in an optimal setting.
00:19:24:09 - 00:19:52:04
And we're going to get to that. But this show is all about nuance and telling all sides of the story. So let's go roses before the thorns, baby. Let's go. What is great about sharing your kid's likeness on the internet? The internet is an experiment in decentralization. There are so few guide rails, and we're all just stumbling through this.
00:19:52:06 - 00:20:14:03
It became normalized to post images of children online. We're behind a screen, so it feels safe, and it feels like a bonding experience. "Look what I have! I love my kids." We get a little bit of oxytocin when we post our family and our children online. And we get to see other people's families. That's brews the bonding chemical.
00:20:14:04 - 00:20:38:16
We also get a little bit of dopamine, the pleasure chemical, from posting about our kids and bragging about them. And getting positive feedback about them and positive feedback for us. The parents too! We've got to remember the parents' part in this. They're the ones posting. And the algorithm loves cute kids because the algorithm is showing us what we want to see:
00:20:38:16 - 00:21:11:05
Because we love cute kids. It makes perfect sense. And here's the biggest hit against me: I am the dinosaur here. Maybe this is the trend of where humanity will go forever. Maybe my kid is going to grow up and hit adolescence, and maybe she is going to be teased by little baby Albert, because there aren't videos of her smearing poop all over the walls.
00:21:11:07 - 00:21:47:17
And for being a more organic child. This is an absolutely logical extrapolation. Seriously, it does worry me. Don't get it twisted. Another huge one: media literacy. There is no doubt that Pandora's box is open. We are forever going to be techified. And the fact that I'm keeping my child's likeness offline might be detrimental to her kids. Kids who are exposed to the internet, maybe even just their likeness, are definitely going to have better media literacy. It's exposure therapy at a younger age.
00:21:47:17 - 00:22:16:08
They're being exposed to the internet, being exposed to people's reactions to them in their likeness. My kid might be behind the curve in that way. And then when it comes time to become a transhuman, I mean, like interfacing with machines, my kid might be behind because she is more organic. I accept that. And this may sound snarky coming from me, given my point of view:
00:22:16:12 - 00:22:49:00
But I genuinely mean this, kids who have images online and the result in bullying or negative comments, they are at an advantage for overcoming those things. If! If they are guided and counselled through it. Exposure therapy. This kind of exposure to being bullied or being harassed, if handled properly, could galvanize them and make them more resilient going forward. With my child, her not being online could potentially miss out on that.
00:22:49:02 - 00:23:09:18
Let's call a spade a spade: kids love it. Kids love attention, especially when they're little nuggets. They don't even know they're their own being. And all of a sudden, the internet's there. For some kids, their parents are enough. Some kids, their family. Some kids, their peers. Some kids have an endless need for attention.
00:23:09:19 - 00:23:36:02
So the internet is the perfect thing for them. And if kids see positive feedback on their likeness, their self-esteem can go up, and they can see their parents posting photos of them and get a sense of their parents having pride in them. And not only that, it's quantitative. They can see how many photos are being posted, how many likes, shares and clicks they're getting.
00:23:36:07 - 00:24:00:06
They can put a number to how awesome they are! This is true. Another huge thing is that kids being online for marginalized communities can give them a collective voice. It can promote advocacy and show kids who are living in a very different world. For kids who are maybe not in the weird world. And why do I have to psychoanalyze? Think some kids are just entertainers?
00:24:00:09 - 00:24:22:14
Maybe. Some kids hit the lottery and become kid influencers, making tons and tons and tons of money. Who wouldn't want that when you're 18, to have a trust fund of millions of dollars? I wish I had that one. I was the same. Here's an example of me making a Terminator film when I was just a little kid. If that was now, James Cameron would hit me up.
00:24:22:15 - 00:24:49:17
"Reggie, you have got to direct the whole new reboot. You got to do it." I'd be like, "Nah, I'm busy." As a very sentimental person, I like that you get to build an incredible online time capsule of your entire life, bow to stern. And you get to interact and interweave with other families and see what they're doing. And it's distributed so easily, so efficiently.
00:24:49:19 - 00:25:14:00
This is an amazing family tool and an amazing community builder. And let's not forget families, because they have to do with this too. The parents are the ones posting. It's a huge bonding exercise. And the thing is, there are parents and kids out there who are going through very unique situations. And if parents are posting those and other parents are seeing them, they feel less alone.
00:25:14:02 - 00:25:36:11
It cures isolation. And then those parents can go on and become teachers themselves. And I would be totally lying if I didn't say my wife is all over TikTok and Instagram looking up things for our child, and I'm grateful for some of the things that she shared with me. Absolutely. But does the kid have to be a part of it? Sorry. Okay.
00:25:36:13 - 00:25:57:12
There are a bunch of other positives, but you don't need to hear me ramble through them. Okay, but before we get to the thorns, I just want to make sure it's clear that shows all about nuance, that sharing your kids online is not a dichotomy. It's a continuum with many different parts in many different places and degrees.
00:25:57:14 - 00:26:25:23
There are the "zero" people like me. My child will have no digital footprint at all. There are the people who post the odd formal family photo looking to build bonds, but are very selective. They're kind of the "manicured family". They're the families that post milestones, birthdays, back to schools, a brass (?). They're the "time capsule" families. And of course, there are the families that indiscriminately post everything they and their kids ever do.
00:26:26:01 - 00:26:54:03
Now, I am very against this. However, however, they deserve defence just like anyone else. Evolutionary psychology is a way to look at it. They're possibly looking at these likes and follows as modern day hierarchy. Or maybe they're just looking for validation from their tribe. A very, very big tribe, a little out of whack. Different strokes are different, folks.
00:26:54:05 - 00:27:17:03
And that's the beauty of some of the places that we live in. We have the freedom to just do that, and I never want them to lose that freedom. I call these people the "exhibitionist" family. On top of that, I developed another scale. There's the "zero" posting at any time. No exceptions people, so me. And then there are the people who post on closed-circuit social media.
00:27:17:04 - 00:27:40:03
The family that's "mindful" of who's seeing things. And then there are the people who post totally publicly. The "exhibitionist" family. The neat thing about this is that these two charts interweave with each other to form a matrix. Check out this handy-dandy chart of possible relationships I've developed. The two outliers are the "zero / zero". That's me. And then on the other side, there's the "exhibitionist / exhibitionist".
00:27:40:03 - 00:28:09:13
This side of the outliers would be like the sharing that comment sharing team. Sharing things like way over-sharing your family's intimate moments. This is actually being studied. My sociology textbook listed a stat that 70% of people have seen evidence of "sharenting". And then there's another whole thing that we could weave in, which is the frequency of taking photos in general.
00:28:09:13 - 00:28:31:08
Forget the posting. You can have families that take absolutely none. Just a total Luddite. I'm actually not one of those, to be honest. I take a lot of photos of my beautiful baby. And you get the people who take photos of absolutely everything that their child ever does. And then you got the live streamers. One can do an entire chart of just that.
00:28:31:10 - 00:28:54:03
All of a sudden, my matrix is turned into a plate of spaghetti. That's beautiful entropy, right there. We all come in different shapes and sizes. Most people are going to fall in the middle, like a bell curve. Note: I used actual scientific papers for most of the data and ideas within this podcast, but that whole thing with the categories and the chart.
00:28:54:05 - 00:29:16:12
I actually made that up myself. I don't know if it exists. I actually don't really want to know, because I like to think that I just came up with the Grey Scale... which I guess means something completely different when you talk about shades. But anyway, social scientists, you're welcome. You can take it, open source. Just maybe kick me a couple bucks on my Venmo.
00:29:16:14 - 00:29:43:12
I don't actually have a Venmo. Maybe my email? All right, I gave you context. Now we have to give the thorns. Remember, zero shame. I am merely informing without judgment. And then you get to choose at the end what you want to do. First, I aim to disarm. I am not holier than thou.
00:29:43:18 - 00:30:10:04
I actually have a bit of a cheat code for this: I originally went to film school when I got out of high school. In film school, they drive into your head from day one to day... last day... that we are not allowed to make any content containing other people's intellectual property: other videos, music.
00:30:10:05 - 00:30:35:11
And we're not allowed to shoot anyone with our cameras without their permission. Signed consent. But Reggie, you post photos and videos of other people on your social media. Yes, you are 100% correct. And I always ask their permission.
00:30:35:13 - 00:30:59:13
I swear. I mean, I'm sure there have been moments I haven't, but most of the humans I have ever posted on my Instagram or YouTube, I have asked them if I may. I do a podcast with my wife, "You're So Cool!" Check it out! I make sure I show her every single edit, she approves every single photo, and she honestly looks at me and is like, "You don't have to do this, I love you.
00:30:59:13 - 00:31:31:12
I trust you. You have my best interests at heart." But there is honor at stake here. My asking my wife for permission, the manifest function is getting her approval, but the latent function of me asking my wife's approval is her trusting me, which trickles down to her trusting me in other arenas of life. You see where I'm going? Just a little funny anecdote for you:
00:31:31:12 - 00:31:52:21
When I shoot things on my big broadcast camera, which I can't show you because I'm using it right now, people expect me to explain what I'm doing, and they expect to sign something or give consent when I shoot things on my phone. No one says a thing. And when I shoot things on my phone and I still say, "I'm going to put this on my stories."
00:31:52:23 - 00:32:01:17
I've had people say to me, why are you asking? Did you shoot something incriminating of me?
00:32:01:19 - 00:32:37:07
In an honorable world, that is the norm. It is objectively. Okay, with that little bit of context, step into my shoes: I'm looking at a world now where everybody remixes Hollywood movies, takes other people's music and puts them on their videos, uses AI to take people's intellectual property and make them do whatever the heck they want. Personally, as someone who creates art, and although nothing really of note... maybe this,
00:32:37:09 - 00:33:11:04
I just want people to share my stuff, to enjoy my stuff. And I do feel bad for small artists. I don't feel bad for Disney. I'm sorry. I love the X-Men, but like, I don't feel bad for you. Eisner or Walt, whoever's running things. But intellectual property, nothing's safe anymore. It's going open source. It's going decentralized. Which in a way, when you really think about it, when you create something and put it out into the world, and it becomes a part of culture, it gets scrutinized.
00:33:11:07 - 00:33:35:00
It gets judged. It gets absorbed. And therefore, we all kind of own whatever's out there anyway. Few people are creating art and holding it to their chest. And if you are, that's super cool. It will be safe. And I totally get it, this is where we're going. Our intellectual property is becoming decentralized. It's becoming communal. It's becoming open source.
00:33:35:05 - 00:33:50:14
And even as a small-time artist, I actually think that's kind of great and fun and creative. However, that is desensitizing us to something that should be sacrosanct: our likeness.
00:33:50:16 - 00:34:19:01
Our identities. I don't want to sound like a fear monger, but this is serious stuff. Our autonomy and our sense of self. And this is coming from the perspective of an adult. Now imagine that applied to children. And for the record, I don't think this is like some nefarious plan from the deep state trying to come in and take us over.
00:34:19:06 - 00:34:49:18
I just think that, unfortunately, it's kind of the lowest common denominator. Who's setting the trends, setting the norms. And that's not to say anything, or anybody, is wrong or bad. I think we are all guinea pigs in this crazy experiment that is the internet. And I do think there are optimal ways to protect ourselves, but we're adults. I'm worried about the kids.
00:34:49:20 - 00:35:14:07
And that being said, the thing that humans are best at: adapting. So I ain't worried about us. I do have things to say. All right, that was my personal rambles. Now let's get into some hardcore psychological facts. Chesterton's fence: Let's first strive to understand completely. You don't want to hear me lecture you, this is obvious.
00:35:14:07 - 00:35:42:04
You've probably heard it a million times: There are many, many studies that show how bad the internet is for kids' self-esteem and self-worth. Frequent exposure correlates with anxiety and depression, and we're posting photos of kids. There's a chance of cyberbullying. The American Psychiatric Association warns that the internet could foster self-doubt. It could be linked to body image issues and kids' internalized judgments as core identity.
00:35:42:06 - 00:35:54:13
Okay, those are the data in the show notes. I personally just cannot imagine posting an image of my child and somebody judging them.
00:35:54:15 - 00:36:01:17
For their sake and my own, that would be painful on a level that.
00:36:01:19 - 00:36:32:12
It's not worth it to me. It's not worth it. One thing I mentioned in the roses section is that kids getting positive feedback on their images, and their parents showing huge, quantifiable amounts of pride in their kids, can give them an uptick in their self-esteem. That is 100% true. However, I introduce you to the praise paradox. We need to remember that we're dealing with kids here, not fully formed adults.
00:36:32:14 - 00:37:06:05
If you give me praise, it's going to give me a hit, but at the end of the day, I have a fully formed identity and self that doesn't scar on me. Giving kids, at that age, praise on this level with this many people is potentially a hedonistic treadmill. These kids get this boost of, "Wow, I'm this, I'm that," and they're going to keep trying to chase this in that.
00:37:06:07 - 00:37:21:18
On top of that, when they start to hear feedback or have experiences on the other side where maybe they're put down, they're going to say, "Hey, what is this? I don't know how these two go to together... Wait. Hold on. I thought..."
00:37:21:20 - 00:37:53:03
You see, they lack a foundation of self, so they actually can't handle negative feedback or positive feedback at this kind of magnitude. The way to build that foundation is to get off the internet and praise them with the old cliche: It isn't the destination, it's the journey. It's so annoying hearing these cliches when you're like 40, I know, believe me, but it's true.
00:37:53:05 - 00:38:25:09
Kids are optimally praised for the work and what they do along the way. Make a big deal out of the hard work. Blood, sweat and tears they put into activities and events and still praise the outcomes, but not as much as the effort. So then they always know there's safety in trying and working hard. And the outcomes don't really matter.
00:38:25:11 - 00:38:48:06
Because when you get older, that's going to be the more important thing. This sounds like I kind of got way off track, but I promise you I didn't. If you watch my first podcast, I talked about how I suffered from the praise paradox. Not online, although kind of online later, but when I was still in my adolescence, it was in a workplace situation.
00:38:48:08 - 00:39:19:20
I suffered greatly from the praise paradox, and I'm seeing what's happening to kids online today. Not good, I promise you. Not good. I'm 40 years old and still working through the fact that I never "made it" to my standards. So then you look at these wannabe kid influencers and imagine them trying to wrestle with that demon, it's setting them up to fail.
00:39:19:22 - 00:39:48:15
But hey, I know there are parents out there who say, "Wait, I do ask my kid for consent before every single photo I post," and that is awesome. That is absolutely awesome, it's great. You're giving kids a say. That's autonomy. And you're helping build identity. Absolutely. However, and it's a big however, we'll start with technical research jargon just so you understand the gravitas of this.
00:39:48:21 - 00:40:12:22
Kids can't give consent. Only their parents can give consent. Kids can give assent. And I mention this because it actually is important that these two things are labelled as two different concepts, because there are different parts of our brain that categorize them. So then, when you're thinking about consent, that can be over here, this is adult consent and your responsibilities.
00:40:13:04 - 00:40:36:08
But then, when you label the child side of it as assent, it's in a different synapse in your brain. So now you're thinking from the child's perspective instead of the adult's perspective. Little tiny semantic, what would you call... hack! Here we go, so you're making sure to get assent from your kid. There's another, however.
00:40:36:09 - 00:41:10:21
So now we're going to start tackling this with timelines. Your child from zero to about five: I have bad news for you, your kid has not fully developed theory of mind. They can't make the decision to give assent at all. Theory of mind is when we become sovereign unto ourselves, realize we are our own being and realize others are their own being.
00:41:10:23 - 00:41:40:20
So just right there, can you see how asking any child from zero till about five, asking them for their permission to do anything, let alone post photos of them for billions to see... They don't have the mind to even come close to conceptualizing what any of that means. They don't even know what their own likeness is. They don't know they are a person and that you are a person, I mean, this is like psychology 101.
00:41:40:22 - 00:42:05:01
They developed theory of mind 1978. This is one of the first things you learn. And I just feel like if somebody is in that state of mind, they need to be protected, not posted online. We're getting better. Okay, let's stick with this timeline thing: I think it was really working. Let's go 7 to 12.
00:42:05:02 - 00:42:27:23
This is what Jean Piaget, a famous psychologist, called the concrete operational phase. It's all in the name. This is where kids start to look at the world as concrete around them. They're starting to understand their surroundings. They're kind of leaving the magic behind. Which is sad, but I'm 40. I left the magic long, a long time ago. That's not true.
00:42:27:23 - 00:42:48:20
We're going to do a whole podcast on that! Anyways, this is where kids can start to understand what's around them. Therefore, when you ask a kid for their assent... they still don't get it. Because if I say to a kid between 7 to 12, and say, "I'm going to take a photo of you and a video of you on this phone.
00:42:48:22 - 00:42:55:13
May I please post it to the entire world to see?"
00:42:55:15 - 00:43:30:08
Developmental psychology says they have no idea what that means, because kids that age cannot think abstractly. And what that phone is going to do is abstract thinking. It's sending off a photo to the rest of the planet, and a kid 7 to 12 cannot understand that. If you were to look at that same child, 7 to 12, in the concrete operational phase, and you said, "May I take a photo of you and post it on this wall for people to see?"
00:43:30:10 - 00:43:49:19
They will grasp that. And actually, it would be a pretty interesting experiment to do with your kid. If your child is between 7 and 12, take a photo of them, print it, stick it up on a wall in public and ask them if you can do that and see what their reaction is. I actually just thought of this on the spot.
00:43:49:20 - 00:44:13:11
This wasn't even in my notes. That's a really cool experiment because at that stage, they can grasp that. They can grasp that you are taking their photo, putting it in public, and people are going to look at it, judge it and say things about it.
00:44:13:13 - 00:44:37:05
I want to make sure I nip all the possible counters in the bud here. One could say, "With this cognitive development stuff, they don't understand, they can't grasp it. Therefore, what's the difference if I do post them, they don't get it anyway?" As parents, we need to see around corners for our kids. It's the same reason we don't give kids caffeine.
00:44:37:06 - 00:45:00:22
I hope... Definitely alcohol. I hope... Europe! Europeans kind of do that... That's a whole different podcast! The next bracket is puberty, 12 to 18. We're going to wait. This is where there's stuff going on that we can work with, but we're going to wait until we get to the section of, "What do we do?" This is what we can do.
00:45:00:23 - 00:45:22:14
Continuing on. Something I was trying to prove with the developmental stages: It'ss vulnerability really. When you look at it, these kids are vulnerable. And I'm going to put that together with a very dirty word... And I don't want there to be any shame behind this... exploitation.
00:45:22:16 - 00:45:52:18
Vulnerability and exploitation from an adult brain, it's sobering just how vulnerable these kids are. I mean, they're small, literally they're small. But the cognitive side of it is where they're truly vulnerable. I know exploitation is a very strong word to use, but please hear me through this.
00:45:52:20 - 00:46:15:01
And it definitely applies more to the "sharenters". But honestly, deeper down, I wonder if it applies to the average person as well. I'm going to get a little opinionated on this because it's anecdotal. We're going anecdotal. We're stepping away from psychology. I'm going to use this video as an example: A world-famous internet video. I don't have the rights, so I'm not going to show it.
00:46:15:01 - 00:46:42:17
I'm just going to describe it: That video that came out probably early aughts, of the young girl, very young, maybe 4 or 5, I don't know, I'm better gauging ages who came out from the dentist's totally high on laughing gas, and the chose to put a camera in this child's face and then posted it online.
00:46:42:19 - 00:47:02:16
Now this video has blown up, and I bet this video has put this child through med school at this point and or even beyond, and maybe even retired this child. And that's great if that child is okay with that. It's a huge risk that they both took, and it paid off. I still don't agree with the way that they went about it, but if the kid got hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank, who am I to judge?
00:47:02:16 - 00:47:20:15
And especially if the kid's okay with it now. But I want to use this example because I remember when this video came out, and I remember my reaction to it, and this was before I understood developmental psychology.
00:47:20:17 - 00:47:56:00
But knowing how cognitively vulnerable children are, adding anesthesia to that, where this child is so vulnerable that they barely understand this plane of existence to begin with. Then you give them anesthesia, then take photos and videos of them, and your choice is to post them online. Now, where I want this to evolve into is who are those views for?
00:47:56:02 - 00:48:00:09
I think we need to ask ourselves that.
00:48:00:11 - 00:48:25:13
This parent decided to post this video, and it wasn't for the child's benefit. It just wasn't. Personally, as a parent, if I saw my vulnerable child in that situation, I wouldn't even think, it wouldn't even have crossed my mind, to pick up my phone and videotape it. I would be looking at my kid and think, "I need to be present.
00:48:25:15 - 00:48:51:21
I need to be there, and I need to make sure that my child knows that they're safe and that I am going to guide them and keep them safe in this world." That was an opportunity for that parent, and they missed it. And for what? Okay, quick little cost-benefit analysis here. *ROBOT SOUNDS*
00:48:51:23 - 00:49:02:19
Sorry. For me personally, the clout is not worth the squeeze. I'm not a machine. Don't worry... or am I?
00:49:02:21 - 00:49:33:14
I'm going to assume that this kid made off like a bandit with all the money that this video generated. But on the evil side of that, there had to be a new law created in Illinois: The kid-fluencer law, where any child being used to garner funds for performing online has a right to that money. I didn't dig deep enough into it to know the precedent as to why.
00:49:33:17 - 00:50:01:02
I'm sure there are parents out there who extort money, conservative ships or whatever they're called; this exists. This exists. And now laws are being put in place for some of these kids who are performing and earning that money, and some of the parents take it. This is real. And the government is beginning to notice this, acknowledge it and build laws around it.
00:50:01:04 - 00:50:33:18
Something to keep in mind. All of this is very extreme. We're talking about laws for kid-fluencers who are making big money. We're also talking about an ancient internet video where they probably made millions. Who cares? But I would argue that even the parents who are those social media, closed-circuit parents who only share manicured photos, I still challenge you to ask "why".
00:50:33:20 - 00:50:46:08
I honestly do. What are you getting out of posting photos of your minors online at all?
00:50:46:10 - 00:51:19:04
I genuinely would like to hear responses. I had to dig deep. I wondered why I posted and needed all this attention. And then I went to five years of psychoanalytic therapy to figure out, and now I'm getting my bachelor's degree in psychology and plan on getting my doctorate. I'm still asking "why", and I'm still posting videos and social media.
00:51:19:06 - 00:51:45:17
It's painstaking self-exploration. Now I'm self-aware. I know why I'm doing this. Where it's coming from, and I still choose to participate because that's informed consent. Something that y'all have now. If you've watched this far.
00:51:45:19 - 00:52:22:08
Knowing the power that this media and this stage have over me, I can't put that on a child. Obviously, I'm an extreme case. And there are the manicured family parents and the time capsule parents looking at me, being like, "Dude, you're an extreme case." Absolutely. But I come from an extreme case to explain some of these processes going on inside of us.
00:52:22:10 - 00:52:54:00
I'm little baby Albert. Did you look him up yet? Poor soul. And again, everybody deserves defence: evolutionary psychology is all over this. Signalling to your tribe, "I can breed." I'm not kidding. That is maybe a rooted reason that people post pictures of their kids online. "I can breed," that's important on an ancestral evolutionary level.
00:52:54:00 - 00:53:22:19
I swear to you, "I can procreate, I am powerful, I am not dying. I got great vitality." I swear that all plays in on a subconscious level. I swear. It's crazy. We are, don't forget we are apes, dude. We are primates. It's hilarious. Okay, let's just say likes, shares, and comments mean something to you. Your kids are being put in the content, garnering those things.
00:53:22:21 - 00:53:52:00
All of a sudden, there's a currency there. So it could be considered a transactional relationship. The parent wants the likes, comments, etc., so they might do things to manipulate or persuade the child to participate. And also on the other side, the child might see that there is a value in them performing, and they might try to manipulate the parents by perhaps withholding.
00:53:52:02 - 00:54:23:20
This is not a great thing to establish within a parent-child relationship. Just saying. All right, straight up: performance anxiety. We've all felt it. As adults. Public speaking is listed as a bigger fear than death. That might be just a cliche, I don't know. But anyway, people don't like it. And that's performance anxiety... and maybe standing in front of a urinal that doesn't have the divider...
00:54:23:22 - 00:55:01:14
That's performance anxiety. What I'm getting at is if these kids are getting their photo taken, it's being posted somewhere, being on display as a performance. That's not crazy to think, and therefore, there could be some anxiety attached to it. Okay, here's a big one: Parasocial relationships. Parasocial relationship is a relationship formed from one side, often by observing someone. This is pretty prevalent now, and I hope that now that you have a label, you see it.
00:55:01:14 - 00:55:29:08
These are primitive bodies with a primitive brain. Our consciousness can see somebody on a screen and know, "I don't know them." However, you need to remember that we are primates and there are parts of our brain that don't know what a screen is and see people on a screen and get to know them through podcasts, TikTok, Instagram and through repetition, and you think that you know them.
00:55:29:08 - 00:55:51:20
You have that feeling. We listen to a podcast for months, and you're like, "I know, I know this person." I get it too. In fact, an anecdote: I work in the film industry and as an editor, I would edit TV shows, and I would spend weeks editing shows with these people I've never met before on a screen.
00:55:51:22 - 00:56:27:20
Weeks later, we finished the show wrap party. The actors are there. I'm there. I see them across the room, and I have this urge to go up to them and gab and share personal thoughts and feelings and experience it. These people have no idea who I am. That's a parasocial relationship, and now we are absolutely buried in these podcasts that we listen to, these people that we follow online, we know them, but we don't know them at all.
00:56:27:22 - 00:56:52:16
Now take that phenomenon and apply it to a child. Can you imagine being in that 7 to 12 range, the concrete operational, where you know your world, but people have seen you all over from online, and then you meet them in person, and they think that they know you. That could be very, very jarring for a child.
00:56:52:17 - 00:57:16:16
And of course, these parasocial relationships go the other way. As I said, but that's a whole other conversation about keeping kids off the internet. And we're not into that. We're going the other way. That would be jarring for a child who is 12 and under. They won't get it. Developmentally, cognitively, they will not get it. Speaking of relationships again, primitive bodies, primitive brain, ancestrally.
00:57:16:18 - 00:57:48:13
There's this sociologist. I forgot the first name... I think it's Robin Dunbar: he sat down, did a huge study, figured out that our number, the "Dunbar Number," is 150. This hardware is built to know 150 people. Because that's the number our ancestral tribes would have been made up of about that many people. That's how many people you can relationship with, hold in your brain at a time.
00:57:48:16 - 00:58:18:04
We all have the same hardware right now. Transhumanism is coming, but right now that's the number. Again, abstract thinking adults can kind of perceive past that 150 in a way, but our hardware can only handle so much, and tech evolves on a level that we cannot keep up with. It takes about 10,000 years for substantial human evolution, and it is a slow and painful process.
00:58:18:06 - 00:58:50:16
There's a new iPhone every year, so imagine a kid with billions of people at their fingertips. It's hard enough for us to truly grasp that. For the record, I do not think we as a species are doomed in this regard. In fact, quite the opposite. We're going to flourish and be fine. But the way out is transhumanism, because then we can just do a full-on hardware upgrade, and then we can just upload, change, adapt with our software.
00:58:50:18 - 00:59:34:07
So all this stuff with Dunbar numbers and ancestral needs and wants won't matter. But we're not there yet, so we have to work with them. We can't have our cake and eat it too. We can't have the toys and privileges of an evolved species without considering and working with our ancestral and biological base. Once we get to the point of transhumanism and hardware and software updates to be able to handle these extreme social activities.
00:59:34:09 - 01:00:06:08
It sounds so extreme, but these are extreme social activities. Never before in history. This is crazy. I hear you, and I don't blame you. I'm organic. It's scary to become a machine. Well, then we need to take responsibility and consider our ancestral primal selves when using such extreme and advanced tech, and especially with kids. All right, so this is a huge one in sociology:
01:00:06:08 - 01:00:30:18
Manifested and latent functions, I think apply to psychology as well. But anyway, manifest is the planned functions of something. Latent functions are the trickle down the things that come along with it. So if you send this kid to school, the manifest function is to go get an education. The latent function, networking, all these kids that are there, these are just extra gains.
01:00:30:18 - 01:01:11:06
So hear me out on this one: Consent. In this society, we drive home how important consent is when it comes to sex, and rightfully so. Believe me, we ought to put a ton, and I mean a ton, of emphasis on that. You see what I'm getting at already by taking photos of our children and posting them online without them having any say, is not teaching them consent.
01:01:11:08 - 01:01:39:01
Now, to make it very, very clear, I understand that the idea of sexual consent and posting photos of your children are not the same thing. I get that. However, I would argue that consent is a continuum, and therefore if we teach children the concept of consent from a very young age, for such benign things as taking their photo, let alone posting it.
01:01:39:03 - 01:02:03:21
The trickle-down effects, latent function, when it comes time for dealing with sexual consent, they are second nature. This is so important and so simple. If we build a scaffolding when there are low stakes, it's a lot easier to cement that foundation when there are high stakes.
01:02:03:23 - 01:02:33:09
That's the easiest way to put it. And I worry that posting photos of kids online without them having any say or understanding is dampening the concept of consent, and if we don't put more focus on consent at a younger age, it's going to be a lot harder in older age to establish it. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
01:02:33:11 - 01:03:03:23
Oh, trust me, the biggest of all of the thorns: identity, identity, identity, identity. We want to allow an untainted identity for children. There's so much I want to say, but we're going to save it until the "What we're going to do about this." That's a huge point, identity! And the penultimate point for second last, that's redundant.
01:03:04:01 - 01:03:29:00
We got a negative correlation here: things are now getting a little more severe, however, the frequency / possibility / probability is going to be lower. We are in a crazy AI age that's only going to get crazier, and something that needs to be considered. Well, first of all, all of us older folks who are all over the internet are doomed.
01:03:29:02 - 01:04:03:15
Extortion, manipulation, identity theft. This is going to be rampant. It will be solved, I think, using blockchain technology, things of that nature. But we're not there yet. So my suggestion for kids under puberty, and in this case under 18, is to give them a head start by making sure their footprint is invisible until this stuff gets figured out, which I guess isn't really a head start, or it's more like a purposeful lag back.
01:04:03:17 - 01:04:43:12
I guess we could call it a foot finish instead of a head start? Foot finish. Just throwing that one out there. Extortion, deep fakes, or more age-appropriate for these kids, cyberbullying by putting a child's image online. Anyone could take their images, build an AI model and make them do quite literally anything. Imagine a kid who doesn't developmentally have a grasp, seeing themselves committing a crime, or even just more embarrassing things, such as little Albert's shit all over the walls.
01:04:43:14 - 01:05:12:08
For a developing mind, this could be really serious, like a nuclear bomb serious. Identity-wise, this is very serious. I love the internet. It's the Wild West, which is awesome for an adult. The internet is like Digital Vegas. There's so much good stuff on there, don't get it twisted, but there's so much debauchery, which is awesome for an adult. I love it, but for wandering child eyes... not good.
01:05:12:10 - 01:05:19:13
We might need technology to save us from ourselves. That's just a tough fact.
01:05:19:15 - 01:05:45:19
We might need tech to step in to help us save children. I'm gonna get real honest with you. I'm an equal part socialist / libertarian. I want adults to be able to do whatever the heck they want. Keyword: adults. What I've been setting up over and over again is how tech limitations saved us from ourselves.
01:05:45:21 - 01:06:22:02
So I hope tech begins to limit us again. Meaning I hope AI sees how detrimental this is for developing minds, and I hope that it persuades us to put, on a governmental level, the removal of children from the internet. Honestly, if we're not going to do it, maybe the government and AI should step in and do it, because in the snap of a finger, AI is going to be able to scrub kids from the internet.
01:06:22:04 - 01:06:50:14
I feel like they should be scrubbed from the internet. You have to be 19 in some places to drink, 25 to rent a car, so maybe it ought to be puberty, or maybe even later, for kids to be on the internet. The next, next, next step is for AI to build and enforce a child internet. It would be totally safe, constantly monitored, and content and interactions that are geared towards cognitive development.
01:06:50:16 - 01:07:18:18
This is inarguably where we want to be. Tech isn't only going to limit us and stop us; it's going to propel us and help us. We're going through a rough, transitional time, so it's probably best for kids to abstain until guardrails are established. I know, nobody likes abstinence. But it's for the kids! I saved the absolute worst for last. I don't even want to say this because it's so awful, and it's also politicized for some reason.
01:07:18:20 - 01:07:42:20
The right seems to use this point constantly, and I find it very odd, like we should all obviously be bipartisan on this one. I think we are, I hope, I don't know, it's very confusing. But anyway, I feel like it's kind of diluted the true meaning because I think the right has weaponized this topic: Predator adults who harm children.
01:07:42:20 - 01:08:12:16
It gets thrown around so much, I worry we are diluting the most heinous crime. And don't get laughing lefties, not everyone is a Nazi. More diluting and desensitizing to serious stuff. Unfortunately, some people are attracted to minors and by putting photos of your children online, they are susceptible. I'm sure it's very rare, but it exists, it is a reality. Again, I'm not trying to fear-monger.
01:08:12:16 - 01:08:53:19
It is real, though. We all need to look out for this. There are people out there getting their rocks off to photos of the worst of the worst. It's disturbing and awful; however, it is a reality, and by putting photos of your child online, you are opening them up to that. Just saying. The internet is a really easy place for really scary people to find things that they enjoy, and for them to perhaps pray and hopefully not take it to the next level of any kind of in-person awfulness.
01:08:53:21 - 01:09:26:02
That is the end of my thorns. The absolute worst for last. Clearly. So let's move on to the good stuff: Where do we go from here? First of all, we're starting to see the fallout from the generation that grew up on social media. They're of the age of majority now. They're hitting adolescence, going to university, and they had awful, embarrassing, vulnerable content of theirs placed on the internet by their parents.
01:09:26:03 - 01:09:53:09
We might actually be seeing lawsuits. There are some awesome articles that are awesome from my perspective, on major news sources that I'll post in the show notes that I think are advantageous for parents to read. Coming from these kids' perspectives, they're starting to come of age now and tell their story. We could maybe even someday see a legal precedent for parents posting for their kids that they didn't want posted.
01:09:53:12 - 01:10:15:15
This might happen. We're going to see how this developes and it is going to be hella interesting. We're living through history right now in terms of kids' assent and parents deciding consent. I implore you, and I think it would be great if you have adolescents in your life, to ask them and see what they think firsthand. Okay, what can we do?
01:10:15:17 - 01:10:47:05
Let's start top down, the government side. I mentioned the kid-fluencer law in Illinois, where they have to compensate minors for their performances and content. France is taking identity really seriously: without consent, one cannot post photos or videos of people online. Apparently, there's a 45,000 Euro fine and a possible one year in prison. From what I saw, Denmark is making it possible to trademark your own likeness, which is something that I think is going to have to happen with blockchain tech.
01:10:47:05 - 01:11:16:13
We'll get to tech in one second. One quick little thought experiment that I had that I thought was really interesting. I want you to consider this: PETA has fought for years and has apparently won, that there will never again be a chimpanzee used in Hollywood. They can only use digital chimpanzees and apes in Hollywood movies, which I think is great, when we can just digitally put apes and chimpanzees into videos.
01:11:16:13 - 01:11:28:22
That's awesome. Why should they have to suffer to be in our crazy art? Absolutely. Here's the thought experiment: Why are we doing this with minors?
01:11:29:00 - 01:12:04:04
We're saving apes and chimpanzees who absolutely have consciousness. Yes, we're saving them from Hollywood. But we're not saving human children? Yeah, I mean, uncanny valley. We're not there yet. Video, CGI wise, it would look pretty crappy and awful, and it would just look bad digitally to put an animated child into your favourite movie. But who cares?
01:12:04:06 - 01:12:16:11
Isn't a child's wellness worth a shitty looking movie? We want to save the apes and chimps, but not people?
01:12:16:13 - 01:12:43:23
Something to think about. Genuine thought experiment. Tech has saved the monkeys, and tech could save these kids. Speaking of tech, honestly, AI is likely our way out of this. We had to go through kind of the Wild West, but now that AI is here, you'll likely be able to do an implant or even just through your phone, for the beginning, you should be able to have a digital force field of sorts.
01:12:43:23 - 01:13:06:19
When people take photos in public, you will be a mosaic; thua protecting your identity. It will likely be a switch on your phone. Super simple. And then, even going further, augmented reality: They take a photo of the world. They look through their phone, and they see you as your favorite comic book character. This is kind of off the beaten path a bit,
01:13:06:19 - 01:13:35:05
but I just want to establish consent and likeness. What really matters are the parents and their choices, so top down, continuing down. What can we do? I'm a socialist in the streets, but I'm a libertarian in the sheets. Do whatever you want, whatever you feel is best. The key is, again, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: informed consent.
01:13:35:05 - 01:14:04:02
If you're still watching this, you are now more informed than before. All of us parents need to take this information and act, or don't act on it. Simple as that. We can all level up together, or we can level up in pieces or not level up at all. But I would suggest, as succinct as possible, every time you take a photo of your child and you're going to upload it, ask yourself: "Why?"
01:14:04:03 - 01:14:11:17
What are they getting out of this? But more importantly, what am I getting out of this?
01:14:11:19 - 01:14:52:09
Maybe there's something deep going on there, and it might be worth exploring. We're still trickling down, continuing down to me. What am I doing? What's my plan? To me, the most important quote ever, truly and not using hyperbole, is Aristotle's "virtue is a mean." Yes, I would love to say that my child cannot have her likeness online until she's 25, because at 25, her limbic system finishes connecting to her prefrontal cortex, and she can make adult decisions, and then she can take her online identity and go.
01:14:52:11 - 01:15:21:19
That's not reality. Okay, so fine, I would like it if my daughter waited until she's 18. That's the age of majority, and then she can make the decisions and go, that's also not reality. And honestly, it's an excellent way for my daughter to build resentment toward me. And it's a way that my child will be excluded from her tribe, her peer group, the next generation.
01:15:21:21 - 01:15:50:23
We're walking a tightrope here. As a parent, I see that I do, but I think I got it optimal: Puberty. Let's go back to that psychologist, Jean Piaget. Remember the Concrete Operational phase? Yeah. Well, at puberty, they enter the Formal Operational Stage. And the Formal Operational Stage is where children come online, where they're able to think abstractly and hypothetically.
01:15:51:00 - 01:16:23:21
You see, so now all of a sudden, I can give a child a phone, I can say, "May I post this photo of you? It's going to be shown to possibly billions of people." Concrete Stage children (before 12, seven and 12) would understand their world. A child after puberty, in the Formal Operational Stage, is able to actually consider their likeness being shown to billions of people.
01:16:23:23 - 01:16:59:15
That's the abstract side. Hypothetically, that means that they can even consider the outcomes of their photo being shown. So not only can they conceptualize the entire world seeing their photo, they can actually play out the outcomes of the entire world seeing their photo. So now we'll introduce another psychologist, Erik Erikson (I know it's silly. It's like me being named "Reggie, Reggison," I made that joke on the previous podcast, if anyone's listening, I'm a joke re-user.
01:16:59:17 - 01:17:28:12
His specialty was life stages. Piaget studied childhood development and childhood life stages. Erik Erikson continued life stages from birth all the way to the grave. Where his work is important, here is from 12 to 17: A child falls on one of two sides. Either they gain identity or role confusion, and they feel lost and confused about who they are. Okay, this is coming together.
01:17:28:12 - 01:17:59:08
Stick with me. Another thing that we're lacking in the weird world (western, educated, industrial, rich, democratic): We don't have rites of passage such as Judaism: bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah. The child becomes an adult, and it's a big ordeal, and everybody knows it. We don't have that in the weird world, and trust me, it is so important. So now I'm putting it together.
01:17:59:08 - 01:18:30:22
You ready for this? After helping your child to build their own identity, showing them the phone, explaining to them how they're now taking the identity that they've been forming in real life, and they now have the opportunity to take the reins and build their own online identity. We take this. We make a big deal about it. Throw a party.
01:18:30:22 - 01:18:53:09
I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Throw a party for that. Make this a rite of passage. This is a big deal. Not only does the rite of passage show moving on to another stage, the stage of building identity, it also shows the gravitas of this.
01:18:53:11 - 01:19:16:22
This is a big deal, and it is a big deal! That moment of "I'm a big person" now starts to come over them at just the right time developmentally. So now the child knows this is a really big deal. They are taking on their identity, and they are trusted to build it themselves.
01:19:16:22 - 01:19:54:13
With your help, of course, if they ever need it, you're always there; they now have a chance to build a solid identity. That's levelling up. And the other reason for puberty being good timing? Because we've all been there: We're so self-conscious. It is the most self-conscious era of anybody's life. Therefore, if you're asking us to post a child's photo online, it matters.
01:19:54:15 - 01:20:25:20
It matters big time. And they will give you honest opinions. Right? That's a simple one, because we've all been there. Pimple-faced, hormones going crazy. Boners that won't stop. We've been there. That's when you're most susceptible. You're most self-conscious. We can trust the feedback from those kids. "May I post your photo?" "No. I look awful." Or "Yeah, I look great!"
01:20:25:22 - 01:21:04:07
And then as a parent, receiving their honest, informed, valid feedback, that feels good, that feels real good. Again, to let everybody off the hook: Evolutionary psychology, we are wired to share. But now we are educated, and we can level up. And I think this is an optimal way to do it. Okay, now you have a total psychological understanding. I've helped you show what I think is an optimal way of handling things.
01:21:04:09 - 01:21:38:15
There's no more ignorance. There's no more pleading ignorance. You know what's up now. So you can make an informed decision. And if you still choose to post your child, all the power to you, you're welcome to do so because you know all these things now. So if you are an adult and you absolutely do have a say over your child's likeness, and you are welcome to post them, all I ask is one thing:
01:21:38:18 - 01:22:09:18
Ask for assent. Look that kid in the eye after every single photo that you go to post and say, "May I please post this photo of you?" And if they say "Yes,"... they don't really have the wherewithal. As I've laid out. However, and this gives me goosebumps, if they say, "No."
01:22:09:19 - 01:22:23:15
That kid's on to something, and I hope you listen. And you're asking assent for the future them, and they'll thank you later.
01:22:23:16 - 01:23:00:19
The end. Please, echoes are allowed, however, discourse is key. Please disagree with me. This is an echo chamber free zone... Although I do like to be validated. Who doesn't? I'm a human. I'm a human. All right. Remember, virtue is a mean, comfort with ambiguity is a sign of intelligence and don't take yourself so fucking seriously.
01:23:00:21 - 01:23:15:08
Y'all come back now, you hear? Now, where's that pee sport? I have been sitting for a long time. I really have to go. Excuse me.
01:23:15:10 - 01:23:16:09
Cut!