THE WHY BEHIND THE WAX
Mental health, ideation, psychedelics:
IASP at https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/
MY ORIGIN IN CHAOS
My wife is nine months pregnant, and somehow this HAD to be the time to launch something I’ve been carrying around in my cells for years: a podcast about nuance, virtue as a mean, and all the weird human stuff that sits between “this is obviously right” and “nope, very wrong.” I tell these stories because they kinda / sorta saved my life (no biggy), to sort out how crazy my existence has been, and because I hope they make you feel less alone.
This episode is a long one, a life-story preamble that doubles as a narrative therapy session. I map the arc of my messy life, then pull it apart: why I do what I do, where my ambitions come from, and how trauma, creativity, and identity have braided together into the person talking to you now. It’s a mullet braid for sure. Below is the cleaned-up version of that conversation, same voice, trimmed of the bits that needed visuals, so you can read it as a standalone piece.
Words are fun too, ya know!
BACKYARD UFOs, “MEMORIES”, AND THUS “DID IT EVEN HAPPEN?”
Storytelling starts messy. Makes it memorable. My life has these moments that feel like they could be science fiction: a backyard sighting near Canada’s “UFO capital,” the memory glows ruby red, shimmers and then collapses into black smoke. Was I high? Was it a flare? Did it happen at all? Those moments force the bigger question I keep circling back to: how real are our memories, and is our past just a catalogue of facts that we agree to… which we call “life”? I don’t have a definitive answer, only the relief that comes from saying the question out loud.
This podcast is basically that.
THE UFO THAT PRESENTED TO ME, AND THE RESULTING TATTOO.
SHAME & BATMAN TOYS - HOW THE SMALLEST THINGS SHAPE US
OH, THE GAUNLET YOU’LL SEE!
Here’s a childhood anecdote I’ll never forget: I’m 8 years old, and my sister’s boyfriend gives me a Batman action figure. My response, “I already have this one.” I ran to my room and cried for hours. Flash forward 25 years, and this seemingly benign yarn was a banger in my therapy sessions. This minuscule interaction dug deep grooves in my neurology, wiring shame and guilt as a filter for my future experiences… There’s some proof that the smallest moments can become echoes that shape identity (or prevent us from creating one) for decades. The point isn’t the toy. It never was. It’s what the reaction reveals about the preciousness of that developmental window, the fragility of identity, and how early shame can live rent-free within a person. That’s not true. Shame’s rent is usually sabotage and destruction. If you’re a parent, Spider-senses on for the smallest of reactions, please; it might save everyone a lot of heavy lifting later.
Light lifting is WAY better.
BEES = PROJECTION - WHAT WE DON’T SAY OUT LOUD
As a kiddo, I had a severe phobia of bees that I couldn’t explain. It was a family yarn that we joked about, considering I was never stung, just plain ol’ terror for no real reason. It was kind of cute! Later, I realized it wasn’t really about bees, it never was (they’re too cute!); it was my way of avoiding the thing I thought would disappoint my dad. Because of this, I missed out on male development from exitable play injected into being outdoors and camping. Without education or life experience, Kids brilliantly invent narratives that protect them. They’re gifted problem solvers without even knowing it. If your child has an unexplained fear, explore it. Perhaps gentle, protected exposure will shed some light: “Let’s look at the bees together from a safe distance. Tell me what the bee does to you? What would happen if you were stung?” Clearly, there is something deeper, but a compassionate starting point, focusing on a manifestation could do some repair on the root.
MY DAD TAMING THE CANADIAN WILDERNESS.
DEATH -> GRIEF -> TATTOOS = RITES OF PASSAGE
A LOT OF STABS.
My dad died when I was 18. His passing triggered acceptance into film school (he was a former instructor at the college), and on his deathbed, I showed him my acceptance letter. Grief did something strange: it pushed me forward, while leaving a lot of loose ends. As a form of coping, I got my first tattoo for him, an attempt at memorial and an accidental rite of passage. I was a “man” now. Rites of passage matter: sometimes we need a culturally legible thing to tell ourselves (and others) we’ve moved to a new stage. I needed that then; I still see how rites shape us.
Cultural cheat code: purposefully use rites of passage! Trust.
THE PRAISE PARADOX
ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS, SO I PUT IT IN MY ART.
Film school changed me. It was something I was finally interested in. It gave me people, opportunities, and a path into real sets (I worked on the TV that led into Trailer Park Boys… dreams, man). But it also taught me about the perils of the praise paradox: telling a young person “You’re the greatest, we’re all going to work for you one day,” is intoxicating for a youth, but it can create a brittle identity if it’s not anchored to hard work and process. The best mentors praise effort. Praise the grind, and that padawan will happily give themselves permission to fail and try again and again and again and again (to infinity).
PSYCHEDELICS -> PTSD -> THE LONG WAY BACK
I’ll be blunt: my psychedelic experiences were ineffably transformative but also painfully catastrophic. A solo hero-dose experiment broke my cognitive dam; I wound up with drug-induced psychosis and things that felt like dying again and again, 6 million different ways, to be exact. Also, 2 psych-wards… yeah… I don’t recommend psychedelics as a quick cure. They played a massive role in my evolution, but they also dragged me through a personal hell. If you’re curious about that path, imagine the worst-case scenario for you and ask whether you’re prepared for it. I may have pressed a turbo-button, a shortcut for cognitive transformation, but you’d better believe the price was paid, and trust, that price would have been better paid as drawn-out increments over time.
After that rupture, PTSD was the next hurdle. I connected with a spiritual guide who showed me therapy tools that actually helped get in touch with myself: routine, CBT exercises (writing your thoughts and reframing them, accepting reality), breath work, predictable bedtime rituals… yes, even the comfort of a familiar cartoon to calm a fried nervous system. These small rituals helped retrain a brain that had been firing supernova-fast for decades (aka my chronic anxiety order… aka… my life).
MY GUARDIAN ANGELS.
!AMBITION! ARISTOTLE’S “VIRTUE IS A MEAN”
Ambition is a tricky beast. Left unchecked, it’s the metaphor of Victor Frankenstein creating a monster, but if you’re too timid, you’ll never even try. Aristotle may have said the most important quote of them all, “VIRTUE IS A MEAN.” It’s the best compass I’ve found for this existence.
My life has swung from “start with a bang” to a retreat into safer, more lucrative advertising gigs (which paid well but sucked my soul), back toward making films that matter. The balance is messy but necessary*: be ambitious, but don’t let it become your monster.
*APPLy TO ALL OF LIFE
HITTING THE STACKS, UNIVERSITY AT 40.
SIMULATION THEORY, FLOW STATE, AND “WHY” I SHOW UP
Sometimes I wonder if any of this is a simulation or a string of past echoes nudging me. Other times, I see it more simply: we are animals with ancient wiring, hunting for tribe and prestige through glowing pixels. Maybe this podcast is a weird tribe-building thing, a way to form alliances and find safety in a global tribe. Either way, the why keeps changing, but the action is the same: I keep showing up. Being in a flow state makes it all easier… but holy fuck… it makes the time fly by. The cruellest paradox of life is thusly: the more you love something, the faster time goes. Want to grind time to a halt? Go to prison.
Hit me up, tribe (especially if you’re in prison… hopefully speed time up a notch).
A COUPLE PRACTICAL NOTES
You don’t need to be “fully qualified” to start a project and learn while you go. I’m in school at 40; the idea that you must wait until some credential arrives is a trap. Throw yourself in, and learn on the way. Remember the Hebrew saying: Na'aseh v'Nishma.x
If you’re dealing with trauma or disordered thinking, pair creative exploration with professional care. Tools like CBT, routine, and grounding practices are not glamorous, but they work.
IT ALL LED TO G-O-D
Before my brush with the infinite (my psychedelic trip), I wasn’t just a non-believer, I was also a stigmatizer. As much as I hold fast to some organized sects, my touching of the fabric of the Universe has forever secured my belief in GOD. After my mushroom trip, I went to Washington State, to my family, North Haven. My spiritual guide offered me her mortal hand to explain what was talking to me, and advised me to actively form a relationship… because once the gateway is open (which arguably was always), it won’t close for the rest of our days. Relationship established, now everything makes more sense.
I’ve since explored my beliefs and feelings on the subject and have landed on Pantheism. Everything that is and has ever existed is God. I had to expand to get to this point, so to apply the same logic, I am open to expanding further.
Now that I speak the unspeakable’s language, I see my motivations and fiery ambition for what I’m doing, including getting a degree in psychology, how I raise my newborn daughter, and most strikingly, this podcast. I swear, I am freak’n woken up in the middle of the night, amid dead sleep, with some kind of entity demanding that I make this content.
Sounds ridiculous, right? Before I went through what I went through, I would have 100% agreed (and lightly mocked).
I’M A REGISTERED ‘PANTHIEST’… PRETTY EASY TO BELIEVE WITH A BOUNTY LIKE THAT.
COME ON, BABY, LET’S DO THE TWIST!
The point of this podcast is nuance, and at this point of the podcast is a daring display of such. A thought experiment, if you will (YOU WILL!):
Everything I am reaching for in life, I can attribute to a feeling, as if words, directly from my God. IT is telling me what to do. Therefore… I HAVE to apply the same logic to people saying the same of their actions, even when they may be the most unsavoury. Christopher Scarver (the man who killed Jeffery Dahmer and Jesse Anderson) and even ISIS fighters say the same as I.
DISCLAIMER: I do not condone ANY violence, and anyone who breaks the law ought to be charged accordingly.
With that said, I HAVE to avoid hypocrisy to be able to maintain peace within myself (Cognitive distance type shit). I must admit to a sort of empathy and compassion for these people as, if I take them at their word, I can feel that same feeling.
Deep. Complex. Interesting.
That said, their inherent flaw is that they listened. True, my God is only supplying me with safe and sound ideas, but I have also wrestled with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and the demands of the voices were not remotely as benevolent. As psychologist George Herbert Mead theorizes, there is the I, the stimulus, and the me (the way I choose to react once I run the stimulus against my paradigms, as well as the society that I am a part of).
To those who have done heinous things because their God has informed them to: I hear you. I may even feel you, HOWEVER, I can’t defend or accept your actions. There is an omniscience to your choices, and you chose hate.
A lesson in two ideas existing at once.
Nuance.
WRAP IT UP - MY PODCAST TENANTS
Every episode will follow the same loose structure: a backstory, an analysis (therapist-meets-filmmaker), and a daring thought experiment.
I promise nuance, all sides of the things we THINK we already know. If you disagree with me, fantastic. Discourse is the point. Hit me the heck, you awesome person.
Virtue is a mean.
Comfort with ambiguity is a sign of intelligence,
Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously.
Y’all come back now, ya hear?
Thanks for reading. If you liked this, the full episode and transcript are above. For now: remember, you’re not alone.
HOMES.